Military Humor from Front Line Heroes
THE RED BINDER
Fri, Feb 13 2009 07:01
| USMC, Letters from Iraq, Iraq, The Red Binder, Corpsman
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From Luis, our Corpsmen with the 3/7
Improvise! Adapt! Overcome!
A MASTER REFERENCE binder has been created for all who may need extra help. Inside this binder you will find 'temporary solutions' to everyday problems.
If you are having problems with:
* The photocopier
* Having difficulty dealing with co-workers
* Having computer problems
(using THE RED BINDER for problems with Commanding Officers and double guard duty assignment is done at your own risk)
PLEASE come get the RED BINDER and it will help you though your issue. You may refer to the RED BINDER as often as you wish.
WARNING: Overuse of the RED BINDER can cause temporary set back in your MILITARY CAREER.
Comments
From our Colonel, USAF ret'd
Sat, Jan 10 2009 07:05
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FIREPOWER! OORAH!
Sun, Dec 21 2008 08:00
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Another Supporter The CHRISTMAS DOLLY
Wed, Dec 10 2008 09:45
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As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking his list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kid's stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go! You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My Grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My Grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
RULES of COMBAT
Wed, Dec 10 2008 07:56
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With due respect to all of my family and friends who are serving or have served in the MARINES, ARMY, NAVY and AIR FORCE . . . . . these rules are pretty good . . . . go ahead, LAUGH and NOD YOUR HEAD, I won't tell anyone!
*Bring a weapon. Preferably TWO. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons
*Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is
expensive.
*Only hits count. close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a
slow miss.
*If your shooing stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor
using cover correctly.
*Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and Diagonal
movement are preferred.)
*If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a BIG WEAPON and a
friend with a BIG WEAPON.
*If you are not shooting, your should be communicating, reloading, and running.
*Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon,but they should
have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
*Have a plan
*Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
*Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be
in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
*Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
*Don't drop your guard.
*Always tactical load and threat scan 360*.
*Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker
factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
*In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair
fight is the one you lose.
*Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your
hands where I can see them).
*Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
*The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
*Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
*Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
*Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment
to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
*Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun the caliber of which does not
start with a "4" .
ARMY
See USMC Rules for Combat
Add 60 to 90 days
Hope the Marines have already destroyed all meaningful resistance.
NAVY
Spend three weeks getting somewhere.
Adopt an aggressive offshore posture
Send in the Marines
Drink coffee
Bring back the Marines
AIR FORCE
Kiss the spouse good-bye
Drive to the flight line
Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.
Pop in at the Club for a couple with the guys
Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer
From One of Our Supporters
Wed, Dec 10 2008 07:24
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Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location. Back at the CHIPs Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:
"Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position. The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filing is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster. Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi."
From the Internet
Wed, Nov 26 2008 07:24
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